Finding Pockets of Joy
It Is Hard Out Here For A Pimp (did you get the reference?)
I know it’s been a few weeks since I have shared something here. Well, I’ve been in a period of suicidal ideation. Now before you freak out, there’s no need for a trigger warning for you or anything; it’s just the unfortunate or fortunate part of being a Black woman in America right now who is hustling to keep my business afloat, but really it is the joy of being disabled (yes that is sarcasm). I live in a vicious cycle of pain and depression because pain causes depression and depression is intensified by pain.
I do not wish on anyone.
Okay I just lied to you. I do wish it on Donald. But seriously it’s something that is part of my life. Living with multiple comorbidities, many that are rare like Ehlers Danlos syndrome (EDS) and ankylosing spondylitis, I feel so incredibly lonely. Not many people have the type of mEDS or myopathic EDS that I live with. Thanks to the current state of America (yes all of it) ,figuring out how to keep running a business where people no longer see the value in me or my work, I have experienced more flares of these painful conditions that I have in the eight years of being disabled and 4 years of having mEDS.
It takes a lot of time, energy and care to function in general. But it takes EVEN more time, even more energy and even more care to function in this current regime. Right now we are in countdown mode for what is going to happen to America and also our healthcare. For the private PPO platinum health insurance I have for speciality care I spend $1,300 a month to take care of my rare conditions. It goes up every year but wiith what is expected due to the big ugly bill changes in 2026 private insurance like mine can potentially quadruple.
But I should stay positive right?
People do not understand how detrimental Donald and Co. have been and continually will be harmful to anyone who lives with chronic conditions, rare disease, disability, or any type of long-term health conditions. It is already bad but it’s going to get way worse. So, as I work through my major depressive disorder that I have on top of/further compounded by these incredibly difficult and rare conditions I live with all while finding the next big client I am slowly finding the energy to get back to joy all while knowing that in 2026 I will be back in the same position to find joy.
It is incredibly exhausting to keep moving forward when the country, the government, health insurance systems and structures are against your survival. But I do it. Sometimes with humor. Sometimes in isolation. Always alone. But I do what I tell myself everyday and that’s to keep being amazing™. So I wanted to share things that are bringing me joy nowadays and perhaps if you are in any position like me it can bring you some joy as well.
My Keep Being Amazing™ Collection: I am so excited to share that I have a cool little line of vintage tracksuits sourced by me. If you know anything about me, then you know how much fashion brings me joy. Each piece is hand picked by me and customized with Keep Being Amazing™ by embroiderer Asaad Bruno. I love the idea of folks wearing something that is one of a kind and saving the planet at the same time. Oh and trust me a track jacket is very in for the next few seasons so you’re welcome! I’m the baddie who does drops so stay tuned on social media for future one of a kind vintage pieces!
MARCHÉ: My favorite holiday shop of the year is happening next month! This is year three and trust me it is such a wonderful place to be. Why? Well it’s founded by women and there are only women or women lead shops, I’m talking 70+ shops! Anytime I can support fellow women business owners I’m there. But the food!? The food is great too. And the location, The Bridge Yard, is absolutely stunning, tucked right by the bridge for easy access. In addition they are continuing with their partnership with Chamber of Mothers, a nonpartisan 501(c)(3) advocating for Paid Family Leave, Maternal Health, and Affordable Childcare. MARCHÉ is a beautiful day of celebration, community, and supporting women. Get your ticket for the one day shop November 15th and hope to see you there! Like seriously, stop me and say hello (hint a pocket of joy for me)!
I saw Kamala Harris Say These Mutherfuckers Are Crazy IRL: Yup I was there. I was in the room of a private event of the film/TV industry when she said that last week. It felt good. Lots of joy. Like oozing out of my pockets and sharing with others. And of course I have the video to prove it.
Anything Heated: Did you know that a heated blanket is like a full heating pad for your body? Cuz I didn’t! I love my heating pads but enhanced that experience with a heated blanket. And now that it is fall I am leaning in fully to the immersive experience. Up next fireplace season (and before you tell me to not have a fire I have an environmentally friendly one). Non-disabled folks, a heated blanket during a movie night or good binge is also a game changer.
Book Reviews: One thing I will do when I am in a super depressed state is look at book reviews. I know there is a risk there, but I look at the positive ones. It is a reminder of what I was able to accomplish but more importantly how I know how my book may have made someone feel or show up differently. Writing a book was HARD for so many reasons but that is another post for another day. But seeing folks resonate with it means the world to me. So, if you have yet to write a review please do on Goodreads, Amazon or anywhere you can. Copy and paste those beautiful words everywhere so the industry knows I am here to stay. And that is the work I do every single day, find a way to stay here. For me. For you, for what my therapist always reminds me “things can change at anytime.” Fun fact, I have that written on a post it note on my wall in my office because I forget that a lot and need the reminder. Maybe you do too.
I May or May Not Have a New Podcast: That is it. For now. Stay tuned.
Thanks for reading. If you have capacity, drop a lil comment of encouragement (my therapist would be very proud of me asking for help) that will bring me joy. And if you or someone you know is having feelings of suicide please contact 988 call 988, the 24/7 Suicide & Crisis Hotline. But use with caution. If you are from a nondominant community these resources may be more culturally appropriate: Blackline is a hotline geared toward the Black, Black LGBTQ+, brown, Native, and Muslim communities. Trans Lifeline is a hotline for trans and questioning individuals. Wildflower Alliance has a peer support line and online support groups focused on suicide prevention. If not in crisis visit Mental Heal America for tools and support.
Keep being amazing cuz I will too!
Hi and Greetings!
With this message from across the nation, I stand with you in solidarity. Not for the nuances, but I am settling into the aftershocks of the same impeding doom, which at times plagues my soul. I recently loss a very good friend and she was my client, friend and sister. Her death was very unexpected and it was a major shock. I lost track of time in the first week, along with my own perseverance of staying out of the murky place of depression after being terminated from a job that I was pushing through to work, ( especially for the clients, my passion for the role ) and the fact that I really needed employment. My spirit was being tested and the state of the nation was a big factor in my apprehensive state to advocate and not be moved. But, what I know and have experienced as a mental health survivor has prepared and made me built ford tough to a mindset that.. " This is not for the weak." I am and not glad that Akilah Cadet had to encourage me to rise and to stop expressing the forlorn when I should have already made everyone aware of the "JOY". I'm glad you found it and I am working daily on harvesting my own. I what I do know to is that before a brighter day, there's a darker night. I'm still crying, not for my own self now, but all of those who are not with us anymore. And yes, I don't have a diagnosed physical disability, but if I do not stay ahead of my mental health, I could. On today, I want to let you know that the pocket of joy has been found and I will write a lovely tale of how we overcame the scourge.
What you're going through is understandable but please keep going. We need people like you to resist these Fascist Freak-Offs. Saturday will be a huge day. Millions, hopefully in the tens of millions, across the globe will be with us in solidarity, preaching compassion, concern, and lending support for all of us that feel the way you/we do. Thanks ~